That would be Ms. Rilea to you, maggot !

All right, a bit heavy on the R. Lee Ermey but it gets the point across.

“What do I call you” ? Do I call you a shemale (not if you wish to survive this encounter with YOUR testes intact boy) or a cross dresser (uh, do not do that, seriously) or what ?

Yeah, if you are headed down this road you hear it eventually. of course, the whole “gay” thing rears its head and serious, no, really, WHY the fuck would ANYONE care besides you and a person who obviously is interested in you sexually ? Sexuality is difficult enough, when hormones have been replaced and life has turned totally upside down, a little companionship would be nice. Male or female or otherwise, even if it is just hugs in a quiet and dark bedroom, sex ? Well, if it happens, but more important is snuggling into that nice warm body and feeling loving vibes coming back. No strings, no conditions, just comfort and reassurance that even though you were made to feel like a freak this ugly and difficult day, that this, too, shall pass.

Call me by my name, please. Even if it is my old boy name that I rarely use any longer. Or, if that doesn’t work, call me ma’am. I am 51, I have earned the right to be addressed as Ma’am. And I will respond MOST favorably to politeness and courtesy. I would probably be happy to respond in kind (unless you are a Sir then I will respond appropriately, you deserve it as well). I am not a Givenchy, or a Christian Louboutin (although I wear both) so a label is totally unneccessary. Labels belong on clothing, not on creations of God.

If you wish to score points with me, refer to me as a woman. Please ? would it kill you, or destroy your moral fabric to address me in a fashion befitting the clothing and gender I present ? I do not think so. Try it. I love to smile. I love to be very attentive to persons speaking to me. I like to make a person who addresses me feel as though they are the ONLY thing in the universe that matters at that instant. And we can best both achieve that by being polite and friendly. Be polite with me and I will go out of my way to make you feel important and respected.

I do not look at a man and refer to him as a gay, bi or straight. I prefer to look at him and see why I respect and/or admire him. And it doesnt take much for me to admire someone. Did he just stop what he was doing (computer, newspaper, cell phone call etc) and ask his young child what they wanted and respond to them in a supportive and loving manner ? Ten out of ten points for being a perfect role model for the next generation. Did I see that young lady give up her seat because the person who got on the bus was elderly, or physically injured in such a way as to make standing difficult ? Ten out of ten points and a teary eyed smile. I will willingly surrender my seat to her for her act of kindness and selflessness. Those are my labels.

Father

Compassionate

Caring

Understanding

Yeah, call me any of those, or not. But first, ask yourself, before you label me or others…

What label would a stranger hang on you ?

“All the world’s a stage…”

Peter is an actor. He isn’t the best, he isn’t even very good, really.  But, he is reliable, passionate and can be funny if the need arise. This stems from his confidence in his ability as an actor and his general sense of fun that runs through his performances (on days when he doesn’t feel like shit).

So, Sindee went to rehearsal tonight. nervous as hell. I found my heel double tapping as I walked across that huge expanse that the audience usually occupies (we sit in front of the stage and go up as requested by our director during rehearsal). and each strike of my heel sounded like the crack of doom in my ears. I even got stopped, sort of, trying to enter the theater. The GM  did NOT figure out this was the local gunfighter, in Snappy Jessica Simpson heels and looking fab in her denims, heels and quasi-hippy blouse. I did the honorable thing.

I started walking faster cause I know he cant catch me and acted as if I heard nothing. But, admittedly, the “Excuse me miss, may I help you ” REALLY felt good. Breathlessly I enter the theater, everyone turns to see who just shambled in sounding like a tap dance revue, well c’est moi, oh brother. I pull myself up, I am in the theater, I straighten my shoulders, head up, and walk as lady like as I can to the front of the theater and take a seat. In the back. Shit.

See, when I go to rehearsal I sit up front, center if I can so I can hear everything and participate completely, I am an actor, this is my craft and I love it so. Yet I sit in the back because I am dressed as a woman. Well dammit, I *AM* a woman ! Anyways, they introduce the first exercise and I run up, heels and all volunteering to be first (I do this all the time because I hate that sequence where everyone is afraid to try and fail – I live for that shit – challenge me and hopefully I do well, if not, enjoy the comedy) and I have a blast. Apparently Sindee is as in love with theater as Peter is, and, since they are the same person, essentially, why shouldn’t they share the arts ? Sindee prefers to write Peter prefers to act, but who is to say it cannot go both ways ?

All in all, the overall effect was Sindee went out, to a function she ordinarily allows Peter to handle exclusively BUT, if I am to transition, why must I continue to go on stage solely as Peter ? Why shouldn’t she try her hand at the craft ? She has been Peter’s understudy long enough.

Excuse me, but my new wings feel awesome, gotta fly now

Sindee

On Being Sindee – Chapter 2

Okay, so I am NOT a cross dresser. I am, however, trans gender, I wish, sometime, to transition to being a woman. Obviously I will not have ovaries, fallopian tubes etc, but, for the most part, I wish to resemble and live as a woman. Full time. When this journey started, I thought I may *only* be a cross dresser (Okay, even I am laughing at the “only” – that’s just too damn funny).

That orb is one of my many ghosts at home. I am never truly alone, its a wonderful feeling !

Yeah, that’s me again, I should put some really pretty girls up here but oh well. I deal with it daily, your only here for a visit, take a pepto and enjoy. And no, I do not hate myself, just wish I would be a lot further along with the hormones and the transition, but it took me this long to make my decision and accept it so a little patience on my part is not out of the question.

Back to my friend asking if I was gay. You know, these labels are tough, especially when we have to put them on ourselves. I mean, we do not HAVE to, but we do. And yes, I DO think about, “How would I answer when asked what am I” ? Am I CD, TS, TG, Gay, Lesbian, Bi ? Or, because I wish to have a man and am becoming a woman, does that mean I am straight ? See the problem ? Actually, I prefer women. That round softness and wonderful smell is a favorite of mine. So, for now, since I am a boy in a dress, I guess I am straight. Now, when I transition, and become a woman, I still love women, will this make me a lesbian or even bisexual ? Again with the damn labels. It is a never ending process of pigeon holing oneself, or allowing others to put you in a convenient cubby.

And, to top all this off, I have no insurance so my only avenue for help is the Veterans Administration. And my GAWD do those people love labels, if you take a drink, your an alcoholic. If you experiment with marijuana, your a drug addict, a hardcore one because you admitted to trying ti a couple of times. If you get into a fist fight because some ass wipe tries to take your purse while your dressed en femme you are labeled “Violent” and YES, there is a red flag on your record for that kind of thing. Violent ? Honey, I am of the school of thought “I can get more money and replace those ID cards, I hate fighting” but because I spent 7 yrs in the infantry and have no problem pulling a trigger on a person who wishes to pull a trigger against me, I am violent.

Yeah, labels, wonderful. here is a label I wish someone would hang on me.

Kind, loving, caring and sympathetic.

I can live with that label

Love Sindee

P.S. I love me, I spent 51 years so far becoming me and what I have isnt half bad. When you love yourself, you find there are no reasons to apologize for yourself. I like that !

On Being Sindee

Hello world. My name is Sindee, well, not entirely. I am also known as Pete. You see, or, actually, you don’t because I havent put up my picture yet, I am a cross dresser.

Gender symbol - it has to do with gender, not sexual oreintation.

Allrighty now, here we go. I have recently come to fully accept Sindee into my life. I like her, have always liked her, but mostly was ashamed of her. See, she wore girls clothing, acted like a girl and generally was as un manly as possible. She was quiet, soft thoughtful and didn’t like beer or whiskey, she was more into rum and coke or white wine (with a straw – so as not to mess up the lipstick).

Pete, the man I imagined I am, was rough and tumble. Hell, he spent 7 yrs Infantry (US Army) was a stuntman, worked as a cowboy, truck loader, reserve deputy, hunter, horse trainer,  gunfighter (stage) was really good at getting dates and had been married four times. He had to be “All Guy” Right ?

So to speak. Pete was a great guy, he would have no problem listening to your problems, he didn’t mind telling you if that dress looked good on you or made you look like a gramma, he would give his honest opinion, and then be troubled by it when reminded most men aren’t very good at telling a woman how her clothing looks. Guys didn’t listen to problems, at least, not real men. It was that part of him he hid in a closet when he would be by himself, dressed up in a skirt, wearing makeup and a wig. The part of himself he tried so hard to deny. A part that although he knew of her since he was three years old, he didn’t even know her name yet. And he NEVER wanted her to have a name because he was so ashamed of her he wanted to die when she would force her way out and demand “Sindee” time.

Okay, Eric Clapton did a real terrific rendition of the old blues classic “Crossroads” it is about a musician who stands at a crossroads and sells his soul for musical ability. Sindee had to deal with her own “Crossroads” The man who she was hated her, would have no problem calling her out to get in a little dressup time, but then she would be shoved back into a box under the bed to rot until the next convinient time. Sindee was getting in some time to release herself, but just as soon as she got out, she would be rushed back into her closet and would have to wait yet again.

All this time, the self-hatred was taking it’s toll. On marriages, on relationships, jobs, life in general. Pete would and could be a great guy for anybody except those closest to him, wives, children and, most of all, himself. In this regard he was a monster at times. His own self-hatred would spread out, and those he should have been most honest with, should have been most protective of, he would drive off, if it was to punish himself, he did a great job, but a lot of innocent and wonderful people got trampled on the way.

Its this part of my journey that has become the most painful and the most wonderful at the same time. It is painful, because I realize how these things eventually happened and what I have lost and I have only myself to blame, and wonderful because it is bringing closure to a lot of issues in my life that need to be closed and cleansed.

I’ll have to make amends, I will have to admit, to people that may not accept it, that I am two personalities, one male and a little rough around the edges, one female, and a little bit unsteady on her new legs. This is painful as I write and see my admission, my mea culpa, on the screen. It brings to a head all those feelings. It doesn’t help that I am listening to romantic music (Il Divo, PLEASE listen to them do Regresa a mi, unbreak my heart, in Spanish – wow is all I can say) but it helps bring Sindee out, the girl I really and truly love. For me she is a life saver. Denying her cost me so much, but together, her and I can make a new life, can mend broken fences, and if not, at least stop spreading hatred and ill will.

It’s a cold world sometimes, Peter and Sindee intend on warming it up just a little bit. Stay tuned, developments to come.

With much love

Sindee