He said “Thats okay” and the tears fell like rain…

He had been professing his ardour to me, I had been getting nervous. I was born a boy, he was a US Soldier, an officer, nonetheless, and his admiration for me was growing. I always feel ugly when I am told how beautiful I am, it is an illness, this self deprecating and self effacing behavior, I am talking to my counselor about it because I do not wish to continue doing this. But for now, when told how beautiful I am, I shrink.

I also feel it necessary to restate “I was born a boy, I am just starting transition so I look an awful lot like a boy, only my feelings and emotions (and these strange little swollen mosquito bites on my chest) resemble anything feminine”. And I reiterate it to the point I think I am trying to drive off any affectionate behavior. This also does not seem psychologically healthy, maybe I need to speak to my counselor about that as well. There are so many things to talk about.

I am no longer a boy, only this penis seems to be the last serious vestige, yes, my bone structure, facial hair etc say boy, but my heart says “All woman, thank you very much”. So, my wife and I are divorcing or annulling, whichever, after her little tossing me under the bus today, it looks more like a divorce and I am NOT feeling amicable. I’ll get over it, women do. I need to move on. I like women, sexually, well enough, am not terribly interested in men or women one way or another at this point. I am ambiguous, yes, but more as in I am so absorbed in this change as to be fearful of any further romantic entanglements. I want to be alone and celibate so I can think clearly.

See, I have male sex parts. So women expect me to have this deep burning desire to place my penis in their vaginas. Yeah, sometimes a good release is awesome, but mostly, it confuses me. I feel like a woman, not a man. So performing sexually as a man I feel almost lesbian. And I don’t have any clear idea. Lesbian, Bi, Gay, Straight SHIT! I want to just crawl into bed, pull the covers over my head and cry every time I am asked. I DO NOT KNOW ! I do not care ! At this point I dont even really know who the hell I am let alone something as tricky as sexual oreintation why can you not all leave me alone with that question ? Why is it so important you, you who will have NO sexual relationship with me, you need to know what goes on in my confused little bed, one of the few places I ever get physical comfort ? For fucks sake, ask me how my heart feels, ask me how my soldier is, ask me how my oldest son and I are working out my transition but stay the hell out of my bedroom for Gods sake. Ask me how bad it feels to be getting divorced, something concrete and real. Dont ask me who I am sleeping with, it doesn’t matter.

But, back to the point, He is developing feelings for me. His 14 yr old son has met me and likes me and calls me “Mom” (okay, break time, I need a tissue SO bad right now) and he does NOT care I was a boy once, or that I have years to go before I am close to complete. Or that he is Army and I am not a genetic girl (The army prefers that kind of relationship in its officers and enlisteds) or a million stupid things that really do not seem to matter. He cares if I have gotten enough sleep, he cares if I am happy or if I am having a good day, he cares that I am excited about going out to go shopping or get my hair done,

he cares about me

whatever I did right I may never know but

he cares about me.

Crap.

Well, it had to come. I knew it would, she knew it would, but today was the day.

Someone told her they loved her. It was someone she was dating (she is 27, she needs sex, I am willing to let her explore her needs outside the marital bed because I trust(ed) her) and he just had to profess his undying love for her. He got told, in a matter of seconds “Your a booty call dude, I dont need this shit right now”. She told me about it and I said “Yeah, you already got someone to love”.

This is where it starts to suck, really fucking bad, so…

She looks down and says “I used to have someone I loved” POW, right between the eyes, felt like a gut shot. The floor opened up underneath me and swallowed me whole. That “someone” having been me when I was Pete. Now that on Sunday I griped about putting on boy clothes to work, she saw it and felt I was more Sindee than Peter. I guess she is right. So, all night she is drinking and chatting with her friend in Vegas, she has the headphones on (now, correct me if I am wrong, doesn’t putting headphones on CLEARLY indicate do not bother me ?) so I spend the evening doing laundry and wandering about the house feeling very alone and left out.

Okay, there are those of you that will now identify me as a drama queen. But screw you, if it was YOUR relationship going in the trash I bet you would be doing a bit of whining too ! I am now faced with my marriage going to court and me being single (yay ! Right as I start transitioning, how fun) and going through this crap without my usual snuggle partner. Oh sure, she wants to snuggle me but I still have enough male left in me where sleeping next to her nude body (no – she NEVER wears clothing to bed) causes, uh, discomfort, oh hell, makes me rock hard and wanting her sexually. BUT, that will not happen again. Not according to her.

I feel a bit betrayed as she helped me get this far. I could have stayed where I was, attempting suicide every couple of years or so because the lie of being male when I felt female was killing me. I could have gone on thinking I was a guy and trying to prove it until I did some stunt worthy of a Darwin Award. But no, she helped me see what was inside me, helped me bring it out and nurtured it, helped me dress properly and carry myself with grace and elegance. Then tells me “I don’t want to be married to a woman, I need a man”. Well, guess who is no longer a man, and only a month into hormones.

The next four years should be even more of a thrill ride.

Yeah, right

Sindee

Emotional Vampires

Okay, sounds like something out of a 12 step programmers nightmare. And, truth be told, I laughed the first time I heard it used. Apparently, it is a real thing.

I vant to suck your…happiness !

People who drain you emotionally. There are people whose very spirit and joi de vivre lift your spirits up simply by being around them and then there are others, no matter how upbeat you try and be, drain you emotionally, it is very tiring for you to even spend any time at all with them.

Now, *some* of us are stupid enough to slash our wrists (emotionally speaking) and walk amongst them whistling in the dark. That would be me, for your information. I prefer to be a target. It comes down to acceptance issues, I am sure. I wish always to be accepted and when someone shows me the tiniest bit of attention, I lap it up like a dog at an oasis, no self-control. Embarrassing, had I the morals to understand the implications of the “E” word, that is. Could be the whole trans gender thing, God knows my self esteem takes a hit every time I say “Boy in a dress” I use it as a joke but hey, actually, it is self deprecating.

Okay, this means I need self improvement. I know what the problem is, I know how to work on it and I will give you the 7 things I found at a really cool article to help oneself with these vampires. This one focuses on the workplace but the basics still apply. Sexually, professionally, it is all the same. Enjoy…*

Seven Tips For Dealing with Emotional Vampires
Who Cannot Be Avoided (Such As Bosses And/Or Colleagues)

1. Remind yourself (constantly) that their horrible behavior is their problem, not yours.
2. Don’t get sucked into their endless series of melodramas.
3. Limit your interactions with them as much as is humanly possible.
4. Always keep your cool and maintain your composure when dealing with them. (They will likely try to get you just as worked up and upset as they tend to get. After all, as we all know, “misery loves company;” so don’t fall into their emotional traps.)
5. At the workplace, you are compelled to socialize with them, at least on a minimal basis, but if they try to get you to socialize with them outside of the workplace, do not accept any of their invitations.
6. Use a tone of voice that is not cold or cruel, but that does send the message that you intend to keep your emotional distance.
7. Once they see that they cannot easily engage you or rile you up, the emotional vampires in your midst will likely figure out that you have already “got their number”; and chances are that they will give up and stop targeting you for emotional harassment.

*Ref: How to Beware of Emotional Vampires

Well, good luck to all of us, seems so easy, well, I’ll try and see if I can make a step forward.

Hugs Friends

Sindee

A new day

Okay, so I was up all night at my trans gender space. It’s like Myspace without the weirdos. A safe place for TG, TS, CD and friends. I love it there, all the ladies are, simply put, gorgeous. I look at them and I feel fat, ugly and etc, but they support me and give me confidence. So hanging out there I get a new perspective.

How I feel, not how I look (to my eyes)

I mean, let’s face it. When your born male, and attempt to dress female, there are going to be some things that get lost in the translation. Voice, vocabulary (yes, men and women have a different vocabulary) walk, sitting, etc . Face it, boys aren’t trained to be girls in today’s society. So we grow up as boys, even though most of us know by early grade school we enjoy woman’s clothing more than we enjoy men’s clothing. And that’s where we learn to get into the closet and stay there.

Some of us are gay, yes, some of us are bi-sexual and some are straight, just like real society, there is no one definition, sexually, of a boy in a dress. We are people. We are your brothers, fathers, husbands and maybe even your co workers. Please, however, don’t think that just because a steel worker is named Bruce and admits he enjoys a nice hot bath that he is probably a flaming cross dressing sissy. One, Bruce might pound you into the ground if you mentioned it to him, and even if he does wear a dress, what does it matter ? He is Bruce, a co worker of yours, what you have in common is that you both work steel. What you do in your bedroom should be kinda private, unless you really feel the need to discuss that. Maybe a therapist is a better choice for those conversations.

Point is, you look at my posts, one of them actually has a picture of me (Lavender blouse black skirt long hair, you’ll figure it out quick) So, if you were out at Starbucks, and she was standing behind you in line waiting to order her rooibos (oh try it, you won’t be disappointed, tasty) and finish writing her next article would you be willing to shout out “Oh my god, it’s a guy in a dress” Probably not, unless, for some reason sweetie, you feel threatened, then you may.

Am I going to run away ? Am I going to fight you ? Am I going to even acknowledge you ? Answer to all of the above is no. I won’t. I dress for me, not for you. If you enjoy what you see, give me a compliment, I am learning to take them without blushing to death (it’s a common malady, death by blush – horrible way to go) and if you don’t, keep it to yourself, unless, of course, I just put lipstick on my nose, THEN say something for God’s sake ! Toilet paper on my heel ? Yuck – go ahead and get my attention (Sindee, girl, are you the flagship now ?) Did I just tuck the back of my skirt into my panty hose ? HA ! Jokes on you, I wear thigh highs. Let me know.

Understand, if you saw me in Levi’s and a t-shirt, you might be a little intimidated, I am a big guy, 6 ft 200 lbs. I play a gunfighter so I have a look, so to speak. But when you say hello you will find I am amiable, chatty and very friendly. Same goes for Sindee, she is friendly, chatty but a little more reserved than I am. She tends to think before she speaks. A good thing when you are wearing heels and not tennis shoes. Also, she is a lot more intimidated by out doors. She has spent almost 48 years in a closet, she is a little reserved.

So, when your out and about, and you see a boy in a dress, give a little, relax your views. Try and see past the makeup and dress. You may just make a new friend.

And it won’t make you gay, either

Sindee