Pssst, your Sindee is showing…

No prob, everything seems to be working again, wheee. Had an interesting event today. I will tell you in my own words here.

I get out of my bath, face shaved and hair washed and conditioned. Now, I have to go to work as a guy, a guy from the 1880s precisely so am dressed in my pants, shirt, vest scarf guns etc. VERY butch. My hair, still wet, is combed straight back and I tie everything in back into a pony tail to keep it out of my way. So far so good.

I get on set and begin to make up ammo for the day, this takes over an hour but its okay, it is my morning ritual and I enjoy it, gives me time to think. I finish and have vermiculite (A soil extender) and black powder all over my hands. Despite how I am dressed I am very girly and desire, nay, NEED, to wash my hands, they are filthy !

I go across the street and go to the mens room to wash my hands. The guy coming out of the bathroom looks at me very oddly, I shrug it off and go to the sink, turn the warm water on and soap up. I am washing my hands and look up into the mirror.

Peter is NOT staring back at me !

There, in the mirror, with her bangs covering her forehead, a few strands decoratively lining her face, is Sindee NOT Peter. Peter is nowhere to be seen.

I swear to God honey, Peter was completely lost this morning and Sindee was walking around dressed as a guy. I quickly yanked out my pony tail, shook my hair down and pulled it behind my ears and tossed my bangs back and hustled out of there. No wonder that guy looked at me strangely, He saw a girl coming into the mens room…

That was my day, how was yours ?

Loving, living and laughing

Sindee

“All the world’s a stage…”

Peter is an actor. He isn’t the best, he isn’t even very good, really.  But, he is reliable, passionate and can be funny if the need arise. This stems from his confidence in his ability as an actor and his general sense of fun that runs through his performances (on days when he doesn’t feel like shit).

So, Sindee went to rehearsal tonight. nervous as hell. I found my heel double tapping as I walked across that huge expanse that the audience usually occupies (we sit in front of the stage and go up as requested by our director during rehearsal). and each strike of my heel sounded like the crack of doom in my ears. I even got stopped, sort of, trying to enter the theater. The GM  did NOT figure out this was the local gunfighter, in Snappy Jessica Simpson heels and looking fab in her denims, heels and quasi-hippy blouse. I did the honorable thing.

I started walking faster cause I know he cant catch me and acted as if I heard nothing. But, admittedly, the “Excuse me miss, may I help you ” REALLY felt good. Breathlessly I enter the theater, everyone turns to see who just shambled in sounding like a tap dance revue, well c’est moi, oh brother. I pull myself up, I am in the theater, I straighten my shoulders, head up, and walk as lady like as I can to the front of the theater and take a seat. In the back. Shit.

See, when I go to rehearsal I sit up front, center if I can so I can hear everything and participate completely, I am an actor, this is my craft and I love it so. Yet I sit in the back because I am dressed as a woman. Well dammit, I *AM* a woman ! Anyways, they introduce the first exercise and I run up, heels and all volunteering to be first (I do this all the time because I hate that sequence where everyone is afraid to try and fail – I live for that shit – challenge me and hopefully I do well, if not, enjoy the comedy) and I have a blast. Apparently Sindee is as in love with theater as Peter is, and, since they are the same person, essentially, why shouldn’t they share the arts ? Sindee prefers to write Peter prefers to act, but who is to say it cannot go both ways ?

All in all, the overall effect was Sindee went out, to a function she ordinarily allows Peter to handle exclusively BUT, if I am to transition, why must I continue to go on stage solely as Peter ? Why shouldn’t she try her hand at the craft ? She has been Peter’s understudy long enough.

Excuse me, but my new wings feel awesome, gotta fly now

Sindee

Hormones or May You Live In Interesting Times.

Okay, I started my regime of phytoestrogens (plant based estrogen like compounds) and was surprised by how fast results came in. My breasts are shaping up nicely, very small, but they resemble breasts, they are also tender as hell (I reported that earlier).

Today’s episode proved that the hormones are indeed working. Every time the wind changed the waterworks started. Now, for the most part, I am not afraid to cry, never really have been. It feels good sometimes. Even as a guy I was able to get away with it. But seriously, I work as a gunfighter (An actor) and while dressed as a Marshall carrying two guns and a pocket of ammo, I really do NOT need to go hormonal. Seriously. Every few seconds I could feel my eyes gathering tears, getting that choked up swelling in my breast and I would have to quickly wipe away tears so I could continue to look like a big strong bad ass gun fighting law man.

Oh for f***s sake ! I will be SO glad when I can just chuck the whole boy appearance thing and clean my closet out (it also means a shopping trip to Burlington Coat Factory whoo hooo) I am so tired of living one foot in and one foot out. Seriously, everybody knows and no one really cares, but, my mother in law and step daughter are here and the wife is afraid my transgenderism will ruin her visitation chances. So I cannot dress as Sindee at all right now, and my job kind of requires me to dress like a guy (from the late 1800′s none the less).

Any way, point is this emotional roller coaster is as physical as it is emotional.

Now, my good friends (My family from another coast and bloodline) Richie and Robyn decide they need to take me to 6:01 Am, a play that shows vignettes of life, very emotional, very powerful and here I am weeping at anything that moves ergo – the first half of the play – I am fighting waterworks. Oh my God ! In the first few moments the first character describes his miserable life and then DIES ! Whats a girl to do ? The next couple of scenes were just as heart rendering and here I am trying to sit like a lady to regain my composure and FORGET I am dressed en homme, no wonder the ladies next to me were staring, here is this 6 ft 200+ pound guy weeping like a baby and sitting there with KNEES TOGETHER AND ANKLES CROSSED and my hands folded lightly in my lap !

Whoops, I forgot. I blame Robyn, she gave me this fabulous black wrap that goes with practically anything and I wore it to the show. It made me feel a lot more girlish and, well, forgot I was in public, the show swept me away so completely.

Point is, this wonderful play that I missed the last half on ? Well, the Director, Pan, is MY new director. I am SO excited. He didnt even flinch when I admitted I was hormonal.  This season, for me, promises to be the single most interesting season I have ever worked on in this theater.

Isnt that an old Chinese curse ? “May you live in interesting times”

Another Day in Paradise

“Just another day in paradise”

Thats my answer to tourists neighbors, residents and the few friends I have when asked “How you doing” etc.

En Homme

En Femme

See, during the day I am en homme for the most part, oh, I wish not to be, I prefer being dressed as Sindee but Pete is the money maker. So, I dress up, old fashioned cowboy style, strap on a pair of .357 magnum single-action pistols (before you history Nazis give me a ration of shit I KNOW that caliber was not available until around the 1930′s, I prefer the ballistics of that round) and walk around town advertising the next gunfight. Then, I perform said gunfight, get my cash and do it all again. Very butch.

So, today, a friend, someone I love dearly, comes up to me and states we need to talk. Without going into great detail the gist of the conversation is she overheard people talking (lord almighty they DO love to talk) and heard them saying someone was Gay. That someone being me. “Are you Gay” I am asked, I laugh and respond how easy it would be if that were all. I tell her I am trans gender, if anything I would be a lesbian (A male to female trans gender, since I enjoy sex with women does that make me a lesbian ?) . She is still somewhat confused and confuses me with the local cross dresser (whom I am given to understand is Gay, but, seriously, I thought gay men preferred men, not women, but, umm, okay now I am getting confused) “I am not simply a cross dresser honey, I was born male, discovered I am MUCH more comfortable being female and wish to transition to being female someday”. Now her face, while respectful and trying to understand, is processing a BUNCH of information she hadn’t even considered when she asked the simple question “Are you Gay” ?

Sigh, next time I think I will simply answer “Yes, and no, you cannot try to convert me”.