Discovery Fears

When I started dressing up (3 years old, yep, before I went to school I figured out women’s clothes were for me) the fear of being discovered was always there. Why ?

Shhhhhhhhh...

I don’t know.

Maybe, when as a three year old, I dressed in a woman’s clothing, I got strange feelings. Most three year olds, if they dress in the other genders clothing, don’t even realize it, those are the normal ones. I was far from normal. I was wrong. My sister and mom dressed in these clothes. My dad didn’t, my brother didn’t but I did so something was wrong with me.

This started a life long obsession with a fear of beaing discovered. It carried into my teen years (fear of being discovered by Mom and Dad) my friends wouldn’t find out because there were a couple that already knew (Gay and/or bisexual, so me dressing up wasn’t a big deal to them and I felt if they were already broken like me, what did it matter ? Right ?).

My adult years, what if the women I was seeing discovered it ? Truth be told, in retrospect, I think most of them either suspected I was gay or something like that. Apparently, most of them didn’t care. maybe they were trying to cure me ? Whatever works. And my friends ? Oh, I had a great guys guy persona developed. Hell, it was developed so well I would help my guy friends make fun of “Drag Queens” and other “Queers”.

Yeah, so, I hated myself. Not just a little either, oh, maybe at first, but after a while, it developed into a quasi-suicidal journey to get payback on myself. Since I sucked so bad at hurting myself, I naturally gravitated towards hurting those closest to me ! Talk about sucks. So, you want people to love you and how do you reward them ? You make their lives miserable. Worked for me !

Okay, flash forward about 100 years, err, wait, 30 yrs and where am I ? Married, for the fourth time. Kids all over the US and still wearing dresses.

Okay, so concealing didn’t work, gotta figure out some way to make this work. I know, how about being honest about it and coming out ?

Let’s give this a try and see how it works.

Hey, folks, when you have a cross dresser who is nervous about coming out, jokes aren’t the right way to help them over it. Telling them they better have a great lawyer before they tell their wife is already a nightmare they have lost sleep over, how about trying to give them a little support and not help them to crawl back into their fears ?

Who’s that lady ?

Yeah, this is me. I don’t like any pictures of myself. Which is a weird thing considering I am a stage actor which means my picture is taken all the time. But then again, this is Sindee’s page and she is pretty reserved and private. Well, here I am boys, sorry, I am taken by a wonderful young lady named Sara, she is my Wife, Girlfriend and my best friend.

I KNEW I should have worn hose ! And turned the lights off and...

Yes, that dark spot is where I skinned a knee falling down a mineshaft. I don’t find those jokes about throwing someone down a mineshaft so funny any more. That was doggone scary. Nothing I could do except slide and hope something would stop me (Something did, a BFR – email me for clarification).

Well, until I get better photos, thats me, Sindee

Hugs and kisses.

On Being Sindee

Hello world. My name is Sindee, well, not entirely. I am also known as Pete. You see, or, actually, you don’t because I havent put up my picture yet, I am a cross dresser.

Gender symbol - it has to do with gender, not sexual oreintation.

Allrighty now, here we go. I have recently come to fully accept Sindee into my life. I like her, have always liked her, but mostly was ashamed of her. See, she wore girls clothing, acted like a girl and generally was as un manly as possible. She was quiet, soft thoughtful and didn’t like beer or whiskey, she was more into rum and coke or white wine (with a straw – so as not to mess up the lipstick).

Pete, the man I imagined I am, was rough and tumble. Hell, he spent 7 yrs Infantry (US Army) was a stuntman, worked as a cowboy, truck loader, reserve deputy, hunter, horse trainer,  gunfighter (stage) was really good at getting dates and had been married four times. He had to be “All Guy” Right ?

So to speak. Pete was a great guy, he would have no problem listening to your problems, he didn’t mind telling you if that dress looked good on you or made you look like a gramma, he would give his honest opinion, and then be troubled by it when reminded most men aren’t very good at telling a woman how her clothing looks. Guys didn’t listen to problems, at least, not real men. It was that part of him he hid in a closet when he would be by himself, dressed up in a skirt, wearing makeup and a wig. The part of himself he tried so hard to deny. A part that although he knew of her since he was three years old, he didn’t even know her name yet. And he NEVER wanted her to have a name because he was so ashamed of her he wanted to die when she would force her way out and demand “Sindee” time.

Okay, Eric Clapton did a real terrific rendition of the old blues classic “Crossroads” it is about a musician who stands at a crossroads and sells his soul for musical ability. Sindee had to deal with her own “Crossroads” The man who she was hated her, would have no problem calling her out to get in a little dressup time, but then she would be shoved back into a box under the bed to rot until the next convinient time. Sindee was getting in some time to release herself, but just as soon as she got out, she would be rushed back into her closet and would have to wait yet again.

All this time, the self-hatred was taking it’s toll. On marriages, on relationships, jobs, life in general. Pete would and could be a great guy for anybody except those closest to him, wives, children and, most of all, himself. In this regard he was a monster at times. His own self-hatred would spread out, and those he should have been most honest with, should have been most protective of, he would drive off, if it was to punish himself, he did a great job, but a lot of innocent and wonderful people got trampled on the way.

Its this part of my journey that has become the most painful and the most wonderful at the same time. It is painful, because I realize how these things eventually happened and what I have lost and I have only myself to blame, and wonderful because it is bringing closure to a lot of issues in my life that need to be closed and cleansed.

I’ll have to make amends, I will have to admit, to people that may not accept it, that I am two personalities, one male and a little rough around the edges, one female, and a little bit unsteady on her new legs. This is painful as I write and see my admission, my mea culpa, on the screen. It brings to a head all those feelings. It doesn’t help that I am listening to romantic music (Il Divo, PLEASE listen to them do Regresa a mi, unbreak my heart, in Spanish – wow is all I can say) but it helps bring Sindee out, the girl I really and truly love. For me she is a life saver. Denying her cost me so much, but together, her and I can make a new life, can mend broken fences, and if not, at least stop spreading hatred and ill will.

It’s a cold world sometimes, Peter and Sindee intend on warming it up just a little bit. Stay tuned, developments to come.

With much love

Sindee