To my rapist. An Apology.

Trigger Warning: Rape, Violence, pedophilia

Dear Rapist:

Sorry for the impersonal greeting. I remember your face, your penis and the pain, but for the life of me I cannot remember your name. Please understand, I mean no disrespect. I was only 17, pretty and very friendly and trusting. You rewarded my trust in such a way that it was better for me to block as much of the incident out of my mind as possible.

I was new to the US Army, a young infantry soldier, just 17, tall, lithe, big brown eyes and pretty by most any standard. I was a male, as you were. You were my superior, a Non-Commissioned officer, a leader of men, very trusted and I was very impressed that you would take me under your wing and mentor me. I felt so special. I felt I could do anything asked of me and I would ask to do more. I felt I was flying. I was drenched in the sunshine of pride and humility.

I was homesick. I was a teenager away from home for the very first time. A strange brew of pride, excitement and homesickness mixed with longing for the peace and strength of my father and mother. You led me, you showed me the little tricks that make life in the field easier and even more enjoyable. You showed me I was capable of so much more than I ever thought I would be. I put my life my safety and my trust fully in you. And I felt warm and safe, even a little valuable. It was a wonderful heady feeling. You taught me so many great secrets of being an infantry soldier, much of what I use today to survive. I used the tactics you taught me as a single woman living on the streets and I am alive today. Thank you.

You also followed me to my room one evening, as I undressed you invited me to sit on my bed with you, you sat very close to me, you talked about how bright and how much a terrific soldier I was and was going to be. You told me you saw great things for me. You put your hand on my leg, like my father used to when he and I spoke very close and conspiratorial against pretty much anything that limited my horizons, I felt a wash of nostalgia, I unwittingly went back to being a good son, and I leaned against your shoulder.

Then you shattered my world. You killed something in me that I have never regained. You moved your hand where my father would have NEVER put it. You moved it to my crotch, you rubbed, I protested, you told me that I should do this because I obviously wanted it. I was all of a sudden terrified of you, the pain, shame, horror shaped the next 36 years of my life. Living almost daily with PTSD, not trusting, always watching over my shoulder, hurting others to vent my frustration and rage. The taste of your penis in my mouth was not nearly as bad as the taste of self-hatred I felt for doing such a horrid thing. The feeling of your hard penis tearing my ass open as you bent me over my desk and proceeded to fuck me never hurt nearly as bad as the knowledge I was not deserving to wear the uniform I loved so much, the feel of your semen dripping down my thigh after you pulled out and warning me that if I spoke of this I would be dead, killed me effectively at that point.

But this is an apology. You poor dear soul. As much as I am a victim of your rape, for it is indeed YOUR rape that I suffered, you are the victim here too. Taught that it is okay to show your superiority with a penis, to make the lesser man or woman heel with sexual assault. Our society, the military and even the ads we see on tv and read of in print, all tell us that man owns woman, and by extension, pretty little weak boys. You were a good leader, right to the point you took my life from me by raping me, continuously, for the better part of a year until you traded me to a very old former soldier off post for his pleasure. I was a sex toy that big men could trade to each other. I will never know what i was worth to you,why you chose me. But your illness we both suffer for.

Are you remembering what you did ? Does it haunt you ? Do you try to live a peaceful life except for what you did to at least one underage boy ? I am so sorry. I wish you nothing but peace. I wish, now, I could face you, tell you I forgive you and pray for your happiness, pray that you forget the pain, but remember the act so you can warn others. You were such a good leader in your capacity, you taught me much, but the lesson I learned from you that still destroys any chance I have at a normal life is the one I remember best.

I know the horrors I still face

I pray you never have to.

I forgive you Sgt. Now and forever. Please forgive yourself. You deserve it.